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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26676211">I’m not like this</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Criscpi/pseuds/Criscpi'>Criscpi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>WTFock | Skam (Belgium)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Enemies to Lovers, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:32:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26676211</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Criscpi/pseuds/Criscpi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Robbe and Sander are not friends,<br/>Not at all but... something more important is coming up on the surface.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Two weeks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Noor comes to my house from her face I understand that she doesn't have good news.<br/>
I had not been able to go out. In the past few days I had caught a flu and had to stay home; today was the last day of convalescence and Noor had come to bring me all the news about the school.</p><p>"Robbe, listen carefully . We need to do training. Two weeks of intensive course and... “<br/>
Noor start telling me the names of the participants in the group for this intensive training course and once I understand who I was supposed to spend the next two weeks with, I keep wondering why the fever hadn't come to me now.</p><p>"No...Noor but really? Do I have to listen to that bully for two weeks?</p><p>Noor looks at the floor as if she felt guilty<br/>
"I think so..."</p><p>I really don't know what I did to him, but that Sander keeps getting on my nerves.<br/>
He always finds a way to make me feel despicable for some reason that is still not clear to me.<br/>
He has been treating me this way for over a year.<br/>
Two months ago I couldn't take it anymore and I punched him. I almost broke his nose<br/>
"Have you gone mad?"<br/>
His girlfriend had shouted at me.<br/>
I had been no less and I had shouted in her face:<br/>
"Tell your boyfriend to stop talking to me, to look at me, to remember that I exist."<br/>
I left with him who said to her:<br/>
"Britt, it's okay, it's not a big deal."</p><p>"What if he reports you?" Noor had run to me<br/>
"Noor what if I tell the big jokes I'm forced to put up with?"</p><p>At that point Noor gives me a kiss. A molded kiss, no big deal, but I was speechless.<br/>
I tried to go back to the subject kiss<br/>
But Noor pretended it never happened and I started to believe it too.<br/>
She knows that I don't like girls. That I am gay. But I would like to understand what went through her head </p><p>On the other hand, it was a wonderful two months: not seeing that little angelic asshole face for eight whole weeks had lifted my spirits: now we had two weeks of intensive course together.<br/>
While I do these mental condiderations, Noor continues:<br/>
"I haven't told you everything Robbe: the course is out of town so the group will live in the same apartment for the whole period.<br/>
I think about it and come to the conclusion that bear all of this is an opportunity to better understand what's going on his damn head.</p><p>"You know what is Noor? I lasted a year and I think I can do it for another two weeks. I can do it."<br/>
"But what are you going to do about your boyfriend?"<br/>
"Dylan? We're going out together but it's nothing official at the moment: and then two weeks is more than manageable".</p><p>I arrive at the bus and the group is already there.<br/>
Sander is kissing his girlfriend: all the better, so he can't see me and can't start teasing me right away.<br/>
I choose a seat towards the center of the bus and I put myself in the window seat so that I can look out.<br/>
But I don't have time to sit down and relax for a minute and Sander sits right behind me.</p><p>All the way along the way he puts his feet on my backrest and I pretend that he is not doing anything. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of having fun.</p><p>When we get up to go down Sander passes me, challenges me with his eyes and runs to the Professor. Too bad that the emeralds he has instead of eyes are so full of hatred towards me.<br/>
Noor is waiting for me. We are at the bottom of the group and I can't keep pretending nothing, I have to talk to her:<br/>
"Listen Noor, during these two weeks will you be able to tell me why you kissed me? Centuries have passed but we haven't talked about it yet".<br/>
Noor looks at me without shyness, absolutely sure of his answer.<br/>
"Oh Robbe, you really didn't understand that? I thought I had a crush on you. Some time ago. When you told me you were gay for a moment I even thought of trying to change your mind, stupidly believing that it was like changing your mind about your favorite ice cream flavor. And I am so sorry about that.<br/>
When I saw you so down, and I realized that Sander Driesen was an important thought in your head that you don't know how to place, I thought I would distract you from those thoughts. And for once I wanted to taste a kiss from you, that's all. Come on. Now let's go or we'll have<br/>
The worst rooms  remained.”<br/>
I nod and try to metabolize Noor's speech.</p><p>We enter the large apartment that had been entrusted to us for the next two weeks:<br/>
The spaces are large, the ceilings are high and in general it seems well kept.<br/>
The rooms are obviously to be shared and I expect to be able to stay with Noor, or maybe it would have been better with someone else, because I don't know if I feel like being near her right now: I don't know whether to be more angry or more disappointed: why didn't she want to tell me about it? What was the problem, weren't we friends? I didn't understand. And then what an important thought... Driesen was making it difficult for me to control myself, all of it here.</p><p>The professor indicates to me what my room would have been.<br/>
It's so small, with two beds so close together that one can barely get between them.<br/>
I put my backpack on one of the two beds when a voice suddenly says:<br/>
"That bed is mine jizerman."<br/>
I really couldn't believe it. Was it a real joke?<br/>
"What the hell are you doing here?"</p><p>Sander approaches, comes very close to my face and says:<br/>
"I'm here because this is part of my revenge, slim."</p><p>These two weeks would have been a real nightmare by now was official. </p><p>I go to the professor, maybe I can still change mate:<br/>
"Professor, me and Driesen, really?"<br/>
"Robbe, it is the good time that you two learn to find a way to put up with each other. In a civilized way."<br/>
There was no hope of changing rooms, I had to use all my patience to get out of that course alive and healthy.<br/>
Dinner had been quiet, we were all quite tired and even the professor decided to deliver the next morning.</p><p>When I go to my room I am so sleepy that I throw myself on the bed and try to take off my clothes like an automaton.<br/>
I am about to approach the bathroom when Sander comes out naked<br/>
"Hey! What the..."</p><p>"Excuse me? What is your problem?"</p><p>"You're naked!"</p><p>He approaches me and blocks me to the wall<br/>
"And you are a fucking hypocrite."</p><p>"It's not because I'm gay that I have to see all men naked."<br/>
"Apart from<br/>
No one here is interested in your sexual orientation but the point is that heterosexuals also walk around naked. Think about the locker rooms; or maybe I'm so attractive that it makes you nervous to see me like this? Say it if this is how we find a civilized solution, as the professor says".</p><p>He lets me go and I feel a little guilty: he was right, what kind of speech had I made? He had taken a shower and was coming out of the bathroom, he hadn't done anything wrong this time. Why had he upset me so much? That he was handsome was certainly no secret. That he was a guy who's a tough guy, not even...<br/>
When I go out he's on the phone, probably with Britt: I slip under the sheets, send a couple of messages to Dylan and fall asleep. </p><p>I dream of being hugged by someone, the warmth of that unknown body envelops me and makes me feel so welcomed: I feel light kisses on the shoulders and on the back of my neck; then in the dream I smell a new perfume.... </p><p>"Sander! I say out loud<br/>
I turn around and Sander is sleeping crouching on his bed: when he sleeps he seems almost a good guy.<br/>
It comes naturally to me to cover him with the sheet and move a lock of hair from his eyes.<br/>
Then I go back to sleep hoping to start that beautiful dream again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Leave me alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Classes start early in the morning. My favorite part of the day even if I always have a little trouble waking up: <br/>In the end I get up to have breakfast and I find myself in an empty room: even in the bathroom there is no one, probably Sander is already working: strange, usually people like him lose all their energy to be assholes and then they need to sleep more than the others. <br/>Anyway I stop thinking about my roommate; I get ready and go to the kitchen to get coffee. <br/>"Hey, you doing what you know so much, coffee at this hour on an empty stomach hurts."<br/>I look at him but my eyes are still too sleepy to frame him well. I blink a little until I can focus him better. <br/>"It's good if you have to wake up: but what did you do sorry? Where did you come from?"<br/>Sander is sweating. Red in the face and he is breathing fast, but honestly, and in spite of myself, there was always a lot left...fascinated. I know I shouldn't have thought that for Dylan, for Britt and especially for everything he had and would have put me through, but he was still beautiful. Damn him. <br/>"Since when do you meddle with my business Jizermans? If you were having a heart attack you'd be happy, but I feel sorry for you but I went for a run just to avoid it".</p><p>Those words hurt me more than all those he had said so far: do you really think that I could rejoice at his death?<br/>"Look, I'm not so bad. I don't know who or what made you think of that!"</p><p>"And yet you were about to break my nose," <br/>I put the cup down:I was sad and angry at the same time: Excellent Sander, nice shot for a morning.<br/>"Damn it, Driesen, do you have any idea what you put me through every time we talk? One day I would really like to know what I did to you: I even thought about it... but I don't remember ever hurting you".</p><p> </p><p>Sander approaches and I'm afraid he's going to punch me...his face is only a few centimeters away from mine...he stays like that for a few minutes suspended without understanding...then he takes a breath and starts without talking towards the room, at a certain point he stops and without turning around he says:<br/>"You are too centered on yourself to understand. You do not understand. And God knows how much that pisses me off Robbe".</p><p>It was the first time he called me by my name and honestly I kept thinking all day long about what it sounded like to hear him say it. <br/>During the lesson I was expecting more idiot jokes from him instead of leaving me alone. <br/>We all meet for dinner to talk about the course and how we are dealing with it, but he doesn't show up; I ask Noor if she has seen him but she doesn't know where he is either.</p><p>"But why do you worry about him? With everything he puts you through? “<br/>I remain silent: how can I explain to her what kind of tangle that imbecile was creating inside me.</p><p>When I go to sleep he's not there and I really start to worry. <br/>When Sander comes back to his room he gets ready and goes to bed without saying anything.<br/>But I can't keep silent<br/>"Is everything all right?"<br/>I do not receive an answer.<br/>I am about to check that he is breathing when I find his forehead against mine.<br/>"Did you want me to stop? I quit Jizermans. Did you want me to stop considering you alive? That is what I did. Now don't pretend you're worried about me, okay? Leave me alone."</p><p>He curls up in his bed and turns me over<br/>shoulders, leaving me with a lot of thoughts. It can't be my fault. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out where we might have had a disagreement but I really can't think of anything.<br/>The night doesn't pass and I would like to go to sleep to stop thinking and maybe start again with that dream or at least with a similar one.<br/>I had also forgotten to answer Dylan. </p><p>I fall asleep at dawn and thank goodness the dream returns to visit me: this time I feel that someone caresses my head, but I feel so insecure his touch...<br/>In the morning I need Noor and I need her to help me to clear my head...<br/>"....And that's all"<br/>"Mmmmm that’s complicated. But what if you spoke to him?"<br/>"I don't want to sound like a child, but apart from the fact that I've already tried, I don't think I'm one of the people he wants to talk to right now: I just don't understand what's going on in his head".</p><p>Noor gets right to the point:<br/>"Why are you interested in clarifying? What you wanted is happening, isn't it?"<br/>That question had centered on my sleepless night. <br/>"Noor, Sander was upset yesterday. It wasn't what he said, but the whole situation. I am not one who enjoys seeing people get sick. Last night he was really sick, I felt it."</p><p>The point was that I really wanted to talk to him. I wanted to understand. And if it was my fault I wanted to make it up to him. And if it was his fault, well... <br/>after last night I don't know if I still wanted to play that game of massacre.<br/>Inside of me I was sure that Sander was fighting against something. If I was only his pretext...then I would have simply sent him to the devil.</p><p>"Don't worry then, I'll take care of it...I'm not promising anything, but maybe I can get something out of him... and what about Dylan?"</p><p>I can't lie to her: with Noor it's so easy to be honest, much more than with yourself. <br/>"I don't know about him Noor...yesterday I was so worried about Sander that I forgot to write to him...I don't know...he doesn't deserve to be treated badly...maybe this distance is bringing up some problems between us...and we're only at the beginning of the course...and of our history...I'll call him today, let's see how it goes..."<br/>Noor doesn't look at me when he says these things, but I can still hear her words echoing in my head<br/>"I love Dylan, he is a really nice guy, but I honestly don't think that he is the right person , given what you're saying"<br/>I don't really understand what she means but she was certainly right about one thing: Dylan wasn't the right one.</p><p>Noor looks for Sander at the end of the lesson. She finds him holding the phone sitting on a lawn. <br/>"Sander”<br/>"What is it?"<br/>"Hey I come in peace I'm not going to argue with you"<br/>Sander softens tones <br/>"What do you want Noor?"<br/>"What the hell is happening to you? With Robbe... why did you want to be with him in the room if you hate him so much?"<br/>Sander smiles:<br/>"You really haven't understood Noor either? Am I really that good?"<br/>"Sander, open your mouth and talk..."<br/>Sander looks in front of him and it seems that a dam inside him has suddenly broken<br/>From her green eyes, tears descend continuously.<br/>"Because I am hopelessly <br/>in love with him Noor."<br/>He says nothing else, but he brings his head on his knees and cries.<br/>Noor stands next to him, caresses his back, now really everything makes sense. She doesn't say anything to him but waits for him to stop venting.<br/>"Sander..."<br/>Noor began to empathize with that boy who seemed like everything but someone who had a heart.</p><p>"Why did you decide to use this strategy? If you want his attention, try to be nicer..."<br/>"I don't think it will help at this point, but I will try Noor. “</p><p>"And Britt ? Don't mess up your life anymore. You should make a decision"<br/>"I left Britt the day we left."<br/>"But if you kissed each other.... “<br/>"One last greeting. Believe me, it ended with her the same day Robbe gave me that punch.<br/>That moment was clarifying. But I needed to understand a few things and I don't think I'm finished yet; don't ask me why I'm acting like this, I don't know.... maybe I just wanted to impress him, failing miserably".</p><p>"Sander but why not just try to be yourself?"<br/>Sander returns to cover his face with his hands:<br/>"Because I'm not normal Noor. I am bipolar. I cannot be myself. I cannot."<br/>"Sander... do you know the story of Robbe? I don't think so because if you knew it you would know that Robbe doesn't care what you have but who you are. The reason why I too have suffered his fascination is precisely this: he is not interested in superstructures, he is interested in the heart.</p><p>Sander remains a bit 'silent, with thoughts that intertwine in his mind:</p><p>“"Do you want to know who Sander is? The first night we spent together I hugged Robbe all night long. And I've been doing it every night since we've been here. That's who I am."<br/>Noor lights up <br/>"Robbe told me about a dream in which someone was holding him and he had never felt so good... Sander do you see what you two are?"<br/>"What are we?<br/>"You are two idiots. Now let's go, it will be intense days for the two of you..."<br/>"What do you mean?"<br/>"I shouldn't say this but I know Robbe too well and I'm sure he's starting to feel something for you too. He just doesn't know it yet. Or he doesn't want to admit it."</p><p> </p><p>"Have you talked to Sander?"<br/>Noor is being vague<br/>"Yes, a little"<br/>"So what?"<br/>"I can only tell you that you were right: Sander has a bit of a mess. Nothing serious eh, but... “<br/>"Noor you will not have passed over to the dark side of the force."<br/>"No Robbe, just talking to him clarified a few things about him. You will see that when he is ready he will tell you too. He's not that obscure"</p><p>"I felt it."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. What are we?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The dinner was going on in a fun and relaxing way: we were almost all present and we decided to order pizza for everyone<br/>
"We've been here 3 days already guys, unbelievable."<br/>
Noor doesn't miss a chance to do the pr:<br/>
"Saturday night we could organize a little party between us, what do you say?"<br/>
Sander takes the floor but first he looks at me out of the corner of his eye:<br/>
"I'm in"<br/>
Then he turns towards me:<br/>
"Hey I understand that you are curious to try my pizza...you are eating it with your eyes...do you want to taste it?"<br/>
I feel caught in the foul and I immediately turn red:<br/>
"No come on, it's the last slice, Italian rule says: never ask for the last slice..."<br/>
Sander looks at me for a few seconds and then looking at his pizza says:<br/>
"We can split it in two...taste it."<br/>
I can't explain whether I liked that piece of pizza for the taste or for the gesture: Sander Driesen's first kind gesture towards me.</p><p>When we go back to the room and we are both on each other's beds I would like to talk to him but without ruining that subtle balance that seemed to be creating between us:<br/>
"Sander. Can I ask you something?"<br/>
"Ask and see if I can answer you".<br/>
"After the punch I gave you... what happened to you? Because I really haven't seen you anymore..."<br/>
Sander makes himself comfortable:<br/>
"But how, first you punch me and then you look for me?"<br/>
"Come on Sander"<br/>
"Okay. Ok. Then I just avoided school for a while: I made everything from home; I would have liked to keep teasing you but something told me that I had reached the limit, at least for that moment...Then....then I had some health problems, let's put it this way".<br/>
"Is this about my fist?"<br/>
"Oh God Ijzermans no..."<br/>
I understand that he doesn't want to talk about it<br/>
"Okay, that's better."<br/>
I Yawn noisily<br/>
"I am very tired but I also wanted to say thank you for tonight. It's not so bad to get along now and then. Good night."<br/>
Sander doesn't answer or maybe I don't have time to hear him.<br/>
I quickly go into a deep sleep and start dreaming again: this time there is someone kissing my head and playing with my curls. Then I hear a kiss on the temple and a voice in a whisper that says good night.</p><p> </p><p>The following days pass without incident: Sander and I say goodbye to each other in the morning and evening. In short, a civilized cohabitation, I would say. Maybe Noor had really found the right key to make us get along well.</p><p>Friday evening the whole group<br/>
of study decides to go to the bar, everyone except Sander: while I'm getting ready he's lying down reading.<br/>
"Can I ask you why you don't want to go out?"<br/>
Sander lowers the book...<br/>
"I'm quite tired; it's been a busy week, the first single week in a long time. I prefer to stay here."</p><p>I didn't expect this. Those two seemed to be glued together. They were irritating to look at. A lot. Too much.<br/>
I don't know why, but I had imagined a hysterical Britt who was hurling herself at Sander as she had done with me.<br/>
I was struck by how I felt after that news. I was almost happy that Britt was no longer the person he preferred because... no, I had to stop.<br/>
"Are you okay? I had no idea...when we left, you and Britt seemed to be very close... ”</p><p>"Don't be sorry Ijzermans, when we left Britt and I said goodbye to each other for the last time... I don't feel bad... stories ended... sometimes love simply runs out."</p><p>I don't know what the hell was going on in my brain, but I get closer and sit on his bed without thinking about it:<br/>
"No Sander, don't think that love runs out.... maybe it was a great affection but true love can't run out".</p><p>Sander challenges me with his gaze<br/>
"How can you be sure? Have you already tried it?"<br/>
I turn red: I can hear my ears burning.<br/>
"No...but I can't think that such a great feeling can be exhausted..."<br/>
"But you have a real boyfriend?"</p><p>At that point I had to show my cards:<br/>
"Dylan? No, he's not my boyfriend. We went out a few times before this training course and I already feel that I don't... that he's not him... my person. On the contrary, I think I owe him an explanation. As soon as I get out of here I will call him".</p><p>Sander smiles. I think we are slowly finding our way to be friends.<br/>
"When you find it please let me know if I was right. “<br/>
"What?"<br/>
"Your love of a lifetime... I'm going now, see you later."</p><p>I say goodbye to him and go for a drink with the others<br/>
But I hear his voice coming out saying something like this:<br/>
"I've already found it"<br/>
But I'm not sure and anyway Noor is calling me.</p><p>When I get back to my room it is just after midnight: Sander sleeps with the book on the bedside table and some sheets scattered on the bed. I pick them up and put them on the bedside table too. He really has a talent for pencil drawing.<br/>
What remains above the others is a face. My face.<br/>
A wave of tenderness can only envelop me and like the other night I cover him with a sheet for fear that he might catch cold.<br/>
So crouching he looks like a lost child and I am happy that he has stopped playing the tough guy. Because his face, with such clean features, just didn't deserve that mask.</p><p>I fall asleep thinking about Dylan and our last talk. I, too, as Sander, started from that singles room. And a kind of gratitude accompanies me towards sleep </p><p>Saturday starts slowly: I wanted to make up for lost hours of sleep but the noise coming from the kitchen left me no choice: I fix me and my crazy hair and go to breakfast: the guys were already fixing things for that night.</p><p>"Hey well awake sleepyhead, are you worthy of your help?"<br/>
"Noor. Yes. But first coffee. Please."</p><p>I drink coffee and I feel like I'm in an anthill.<br/>
"Now I am quite ready, what should I do?"<br/>
"Are you going to the salon to help Sander and the others decorate?"<br/>
"Decorate? Didn't we say it would be a quiet party?"<br/>
Noor looks at me in amazement<br/>
"Robbe, quiet doesn't mean sad"</p><p>I raise my hands and laughing and I go to fix the salon.<br/>
"I thought worse..." I say as I look at the little colored paper festoons hanging on the walls "what can I do?</p><p>One of the guys, Danny points to me and says:<br/>
"Could you create something with those tissues? There are staplers and other things if you need them".</p><p>I get to work: taken by the little creative flair I have, and with the help of an online tutorial, I start making stars that don't even come out that bad.<br/>
When I am missing to assemble three veils, I lose my concentration and scratch my finger:<br/>
"Ouch damn it hurts"<br/>
I slowly remove the paper clip that was stuck in my finger.<br/>
Sander, who was a few steps away from me, comes down from the chair on which he was standing and checks my finger.<br/>
"Come, we have to disinfect"<br/>
I follow him to the room where we were equipped with a small first aid kit:<br/>
I put my bleeding finger under fresh water to try to make it stop beating.<br/>
"Can I see again?" Sander asks me<br/>
I turn off the water and show him the index finger of my left hand:<br/>
"It's nothing but it's throbbing a lot."<br/>
"It won't be anything but it has to be cleaned and disinfected properly: do you trust me?"<br/>
I couldn't think of anything but at my sore finger.<br/>
"Yes,sure"</p><p>Sander takes my hand, looks at my finger and puts it in his mouth.<br/>
He starts sucking my finger and I close my eyes.<br/>
I close them because something else has joined the pain. And I could not show myself excited by that gesture. But I was. Sander's mouth. The warmth and softness inside. The movement of his tongue in trying to suck out the infected blood.<br/>
But what was I doing?</p><p>"Now I'm going to disinfect it and put a band-aid on it".<br/>
"O... okay..."<br/>
I spend the rest of the afternoon thinking about what happened with Sander that morning.<br/>
I couldn't stop thinking about the mouth of my possibly former arch-enemy. </p><p>The evening comes and the party is a collection of many little things, games and videos that make us feel like one big extended family. Noor had managed to create a beautiful and serene atmosphere.<br/>
We eat chips and other crap on the floor, dance, drink... the games begin and we arrive in a moment to the game of uncomfortable questions.</p><p>Unexpectedly everything runs smoothly. No really uncomfortable questions, but all the questions prepared by Noor included funny stories that made everyone laugh.</p><p>"Now just one uncomfortable question for all of you: tell us one of your biggest secrets".</p><p> </p><p>At that point Sander gets up and says:<br/>
"Can I be the first? Because if I don't say it now I don't think there will be any more opportunity.<br/>
Ok.... I am... damn it, what a drag....I am ... bipolar. And now excuse me but I have to go to my room for a moment".</p><p>After a few minutes necessary for my head to process the information, I look at Noor<br/>
"I'm gonna go check on him."</p><p>In the room Sander is not there: I turn around and he is in the bathroom, with his hands on the sink, looking in the mirror<br/>
"Sander”</p><p>He awakens from his thoughts<br/>
"What do you want Ijzermans? To have your revenge?"<br/>
Strangely enough, my anger does not rise. I approach.<br/>
I know very well how delicate the subject is, and I know very well how these people feel lost and lonely and instead are so special, how much they can give with their sensitivity.<br/>
I get close and put my hands on the sink. Sander is forced to move around a bit.</p><p>While I look at myself in the mirror without looking at him I say:<br/>
"My mom is suffering from behavioral disorders. Hers are for the most part depressive episodes. And yet for me she is the best mom in the world: strong, generous and full of talent".</p><p>Sander says nothing.<br/>
He puts his hand on mine and shakes it.<br/>
"I am here to tell you that if you want you can not be alone. And you can be understood. And now I'm going, I'm waiting for you in there with the others. I promise you that no one will look at you as someone to avoid. Okay?"</p><p>Sander nods. I understand that he doesn't want to be seen venting. </p><p>We continue with the game of uncomfortable secrets and between a laugh and an "ooooh" of amazement Sander returns to be part of ours. </p><p>I look at him and his face really seems to be more relaxed.<br/>
The hours pass quickly and the tiredness caused by the wine begins to bear fruit.</p><p>Everyone starts to go to bed and I also say good night to the small group left.</p><p>After a short while Sander arrives in the room. When he throws himself on the bed with the lights off<br/>
Finally he speaks to me:<br/>
"Thank you Robbe"</p><p>"What are former sworn enemies for?"<br/>
"Who told you that we are not anymore?"<br/>
"Well a couple of clues during this week made me think that"</p><p>The silence falls and I think he fell asleep.<br/>
After a while he says<br/>
"Fuck everything....can I do something?"<br/>
"If murder is not contemplated, you can do whatever you want."</p><p>He turns on the bedside lamp, moves his bed by attaching it to mine and when he lies down he hugs me.<br/>
I can feel his breath on my hair and the same cozy warmth I felt in my dreams comes back overbearingly to visit me. </p><p>"Then it was you..."<br/>
"Yes, it was me..."<br/>
"But...I don't understand...why..."<br/>
“You know why..."<br/>
"You don't want to tell me?"<br/>
"It's not that I don't want to tell you...it's that the thing is so powerful that I am a little afraid."<br/>
"Please Sander, don't be afraid..."<br/>
I begin to hope that this is what I think. Because I too had understood what he was to me. Finally.<br/>
I am not turning around, not yet.<br/>
"Because I am ...."<br/>
I give him time to unhinge that last door as well:<br/>
"Ok. I say it. Because I am in love with you . There I said it. Happy?"</p><p>Now I'm turning around.<br/>
I turn around and look at him and he never seemed so beautiful to me wrapped up in his vulnerability.<br/>
I caress his face and he responds by closing his eyes.<br/>
"I was right, wasn't I?"<br/>
"About what?"<br/>
"That love is something else".<br/>
"Yes... it is"<br/>
"I know it too"<br/>
"Mmm?"<br/>
"What it feels like to love someone unconditionally."<br/>
I don't wait for the answer and kiss him. Slowly. So that the lips get used to that<br/>
contact. Because from now on, Sander's lips would be the only ones allowed to touch mine.</p><p>"Have I been a real idiot?"<br/>
"A little bit, but I put some of my own into it too.we have time to talk don’t you think?”<br/>
Sander yawns. And I follow him. We kiss each other for a few more minutes and then we fall asleep as two cats curled up in each other.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. First time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next morning I wake up and Sander is there, beside me, still asleep. We did not move an inch last night and it was beautiful like that.<br/>I don't know why it took all this obstacle course to get to us: I don't even know why I didn't understand beforehand how I felt about him.<br/>The sure thing is that that morning I would have stayed and watched him sleep for hours. </p><p>I decide that it would have been nice to bring him breakfast in bed: trying not to wake him up I loosen up from our embrace and try to get up, but one hand grabs my arm<br/>"Where are you going?"<br/>"Good morning... to prepare breakfast."<br/>Sander takes me back to the bed<br/>"Stay a little longer with me."<br/>"Mmmm .... what would you like to do?"<br/>He kisses me on the forehead, and whispers to me: <br/>"Shower?"</p><p>When we enter in the box, it's almost impossible to move... but fortunately the hot water relaxes us both while we kiss.<br/>Sander stops and seems worried<br/>"Robbe...I...don't know how to do it".<br/>"To do what?"<br/>"I don't know how to touch you..."<br/>I turn off the water.<br/>I caress his back with my hands: <br/>"Sander, don't think. Try to be guided by instinct. Whatever you do, I will like it. “<br/>Sander caresses my face and kisses my neck: his hands move slowly but his delicate touch, short-circuits my brain and heart: <br/>"Is that all right? Can I continue?"<br/>"Don't you dare stop Driesen"<br/>We get out of the shower without being able to stop kissing and touching.<br/>I lock the door of our room and we return to our bed. <br/>I accompany his hands and guide them in the exploration of my body and then I do the same with his: while he kisses me as no one had ever done, while he touches me as no one had ever done, I remain happily incredulous of what is happening with the person I most believed I detest.</p><p>"I think we're gonna have to shower again."<br/>he says to me, kissing me.<br/>"I think so too, but first can I ask you how it was?"</p><p>Sander makes sure that he doesn't lose contact with my body, but that at the same time he can look at me: he caresses every inch of me with his green eyes. <br/>"If I tell you magic and perfect it is only a small part of what I felt.<br/>He caresses my nose with his and before releasing me for the shower he kisses my ear and says to me:<br/>"I can't wait to do it again and to..."<br/>"To get to the bottom of it?"<br/>"No, not really...to make love with you..."</p><p>I was already almost completely up but when he says this beautiful phrase I turn around and throw myself on him again:<br/>"I would have never imagined...Monday I would have wanted to punch you and now I am here to tell you that every single caress you give me is already like making love. And another thing: I too can't wait to make love with you and now I'm going to go or we'll never get up from this bed".<br/>And with one last beautiful and passionate kiss I head towards the bathroom.</p><p>Noor sends me a message on the phone while I'm getting dressed: <br/>"Are you going to leave that room? Are you all right or have you killed yourself?"</p><p>I answer her so that nothing leaks out <br/>"No it’s ok; we both needed to make up for hours of sleep lost in the past few days, me for sure:) I'm almost ready and my roommate I think he'll wake up soon, I'm making quite a mess. We're coming".</p><p>"Everything okay?"<br/>Sander is also ready to get dressed.<br/>When the creator of men invented perfection he certainly had Sander in mind.</p><p>"Yes, I just hid our story from Noor. And I don't know if I did it right. It is the<br/>first time I can hide something from her."</p><p>Sander answers me while rubbing his head to dry his hair<br/>"There are two cases: either I'm leading you down the wrong path or what we have has a very special value" I look at him spellbound even if he doesn't notice it.<br/>"I think I just want to be with you without thinking about the rest of the world for a while..."</p><p> </p><p>With the towel he wraps my neck and draws me to himself: <br/>"So let's keep this to ourselves, at least for a while... always if you manage to stay away from me in front of the others..."</p><p>Sander probably doesn't remember that he is naked and that therefore I feel in a privileged position. <br/>I had discovered some of my platinum boyfriend's weak points and as I sink my hands into one of them I whisper to him:<br/>"It depends... will you be able to do it Driesen?"</p><p>"It doesn't... I am not ...so sure....anymore...”<br/>"Neither am I...but we will try. You're right...it's only right that we devote some time to it, after all we hated each other until two days ago..."</p><p>"I don't really"<br/>"I do, I mean no, I mean...I didn't really understand why you were like that with me...I was more frustrated than angry...I'm not very good at being tough...I wanted to understand you. And when I began to understand you, I really began to see you. And when I stapled my finger and you put it in your mouth...everything opened wide. I understood that I always liked you. And i start imagining that you could not be so<br/>I was saddened in return. But now the past is not important. I want to live the present and the future if it will be with you".</p><p>"I cannot see my future without you Robbe. Impossible."</p><p>We get lost in each other's eyes: I spontaneously pick up the phone and without losing contact with those emerald eyes, I call Noor.<br/>"Noor, I don't feel very good this morning... probably yesterday's wine...don't make fun of me, I wasn't drunk at all...I'd rather stay in bed...if it's all right, where can I reach you? In the park? Ok....let's see how it goes... Sander? I don't know, he's still sleeping... I'll have him call you when he wakes up... Okay, bye..."</p><p>I close the communication and throw the phone on the bed: I take off my clothes and continue to enjoy the spectacle of Sander's body for a while longer.<br/>It's a strength I've never felt before, I can't stay away from his skin; his smell, his warmth... everything about him makes me think I want to lose myself in our perfect world. <br/>We don't need to decide what we are going to do, everything happens in the most natural way possible.<br/>It didn't take Sander long to understand how to do it: his fingers move on me like those of a pianist on the piano: sometimes decided, sometimes delicate.<br/>Our bodies seek nothing but more and more contact.<br/>The light bites he gives on my neck while we are making love have immediately become a drug: before finishing exhausted one on top of the other I shake his hands and a sentence comes out that the old Robbe could never have said: "never leave me Sander".</p><p>He stops sucking my right earlobe and answers me: "I have no intention of doing it, we are meant to be together".</p><p>It took us a while to get back to breathing at a normal rhythm: <br/>Sander starts to play with my curls and I stick my nose in the hollow of <br/>his neck.</p><p>"I'm curious about something" Sander tells me <br/>"Tell me"<br/>"What did you say to Dylan when you closed?"</p><p>"He probably felt I was weird and asked me how it was going and I asked him<br/>I answered that there was someone who worried me and he, without saying names, tells me: get to the bottom of it. I am sure you will find important answers.<br/>I did not know how to answer. <br/>And he closed the call saying: it was nice to meet you Robbe but I need someone who thinks only of me. The end".</p><p>"You have been downloaded"<br/>"Hey!!"<br/>"Ahdon’t be disappointed it happened the same to me: Britt couldn't stand hearing your name popping up in every single conversation and when before leaving she said to me: you seem crazy about him I couldn't react, because it was true. So she ended our story."</p><p>We had to get up. We knew it. We had to get up and go to the others or they would have understood. <br/>I take him by the hand and help him get up: we get ready and leave the house; <br/>the feeling of not being able to hold hands and kiss each other is terrible, but we try to touch each other at least until we reach the group; then everything breaks and hurts. But we both know that we can knot again soon, very soon.</p><p>"Hallelujah!!! We began to fear the<br/>Worse!"<br/>"Noor exaggerated, we have recovered..."<br/>And I would have liked so much to have said the time lost unnecessarily<br/>"...A few hours of sleep".</p><p> </p><p>"The important thing is that you are safe and sound."</p><p>We stay in the park until<br/>Late afternoon: Danny had bought a ball and we played soccer.<br/>The best part was when sander to steal my ball pushed me and we were<br/>fallen on each other:<br/>"Sorry"<br/>"No problem"<br/>He gets up without helping me and continues to play. I have to wait for the heart to return to its position because feeling him so close to me has rekindled all the sansations of the last few hours.</p><p>Noor approaches<br/>"Everything all right?"<br/>"I told you that I'm not in good shape... but maybe it's also because I haven't eaten<br/>nothing since last night"<br/>"Let's go get something, come on, you can't stay without eating. <br/>What did Sander call you? Slim."<br/>I smile because for today it is better that I don't say his name anymore: I want to hold on to the memory of that morning where I used to call his name so much while he touched me. “</p><p> </p><p>"So, how's it going with blondie?"<br/>Eat Robbe, and concentrate before you answer.</p><p>"It would seem good, now we talk a bit... before going out we even laughed together... one step at a time".</p><p>"You know you like it and so true?"<br/>Now drink. Drink that here you can tell the truth.</p><p>"Yes Noor you are right:I like him and it's hard for me to behave normally with him around... .... he can inebriates my senses... but one step at a time, and maybe in a while I'll have the courage to tell him".</p><p>"You two are incredible. But I accept your speech.<br/>However, if you don't move, I will have to intervene..."</p><p>"Noor"<br/>Our chat ends with Noor laughing out loud.</p><p> </p><p>I feel guilty hiding the truth from her, but Sander and I need time. <br/>We need to get to know each other, we need to learn how to weave our habits: in short, we need to feel ready... <br/>To make our story official. Because we both immediately realized that tour story is not a little story that we want to last the time of a sigh... the intention of both of us is to work to make it last forever. We know that we are living in a beautiful bubble and that it will not always be like this... that's why we need time.<br/>"You will be the first one to whom I will tell, I promise..."<br/>I think while I laugh with her.</p><p> </p><p>The pub we had chosen was crowded and it was like crushed sardines in a can.<br/>Much better for me and Sander that we didn't miss a chance to hold hands and touch each other in the dark.</p><p>"I need you"<br/>I tell him <br/>Then I turn towards Noor<br/>"I have to go to the bathroom... what do we do, change place?"<br/>"Let's resist a few more minutes if on your return a table is not free, let's change places".</p><p>While I look for reaching the bathroom, Sander says to Noor:<br/>"I'll try to find someone else to ask; if we are not there anymore I'll see you at the entrance square ok?"</p><p>I wait for Sander to reach me and when I see him I take him by his jacket and I lock him in one of the bathrooms.<br/>I don't say anything, I smile and kiss him as if it was the last thing I have to do before the Apocalypse.<br/>"Sorry, there's no way I was doing that anymore."<br/>"I love this passionate streak of yours..."<br/>"I adore you"<br/>"I adore you too"<br/>One last kiss before returning to reality <br/>Waiting for the night to envelop us, between the sheets and our arms, in an embrace full of warmth.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Hold me tight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Monday:</p><p>The beginning of the week leads to new tasks in the study group:<br/>
Thank goodness Noor and I are together and we can manage time as we please because we already know how we work and together we are a good team.<br/>
The sun is hot and we decide to put ourselves on the lawn outside the building where we are training and start brainstorming which immediately leads to interesting ideas.<br/>
What comes out of it is not bad at all to be the first step:<br/>
"It's satisfying to be able to work like this."<br/>
I tell her<br/>
"We've been lucky, we've been doing this thing together since we were two babies... now we're a couple well established on these things."<br/>
"Noor what do you think if I go get something to drink?"<br/>
"Yes, thank you"<br/>
Noor doesn't need to tell me what she wants. Even on these things we are an old couple that have been broken in.<br/>
As I turn around to go to the bar across the street, someone gives me a shovel:<br/>
"Hey!"<br/>
"Sorry"<br/>
"Idiot"<br/>
"You idiot”<br/>
We smile and Sander runs to his study partner</p><p>When I come back with two bottles from my partner, she looks at me with a strange look:<br/>
"So..."<br/>
"What?"<br/>
"You and Sander..."<br/>
"What?"<br/>
"Boy, I don't know where you're from, but what I saw 5 minutes ago is called flirting...."<br/>
"Really?"<br/>
"Robbe come on. You've got to stop that. You two have been purring for days. When are you going to deal with this?"<br/>
I had to get out of that trap or I would have told her everything:<br/>
"Let's do this Noor: if nothing moves this week I guarantee you that I will declare myself on Saturday. We leave on Sunday right, the plans haven't changed, have they?"<br/>
"We're leaving Sunday afternoon and if by Saturday you don't talk to each other I swear I'll oblige you in some way ok?"<br/>
And for that day I managed to keep everything hidden, even if awkwardly.</p><p>Tuesday</p><p>Tuesday is just a photocopy of Monday.<br/>
This afternoon Noor and I work without having to bring up the subject of Sander and me and this reassures me a bit: at the end of the afternoon I can't wait to hug him again and be with him, alone.<br/>
That evening, however, Sander looks particularly pale.<br/>
"Have you already had dinner?"<br/>
I ask him<br/>
"I'm not very hungry"<br/>
"Are you okay? “<br/>
"Yes, just tired... “<br/>
I'm not convinced... I have a feeling of deja vu and I don't like it at all.<br/>
"Come here..."<br/>
I embrace him, trying to give him some energy.<br/>
"Please Robbe, dance with me"<br/>
He says to me and suddenly he takes me by the hips. We swing and walk around the room and kiss and caress each other without the music.<br/>
I get carried away and think that I finally found my place in the world in his arms.</p><p>Tuesday night: </p><p>We went to bed early, Sander was really tired.<br/>
We fell asleep hugged, but mine is a light sleep: I want to check that he really rests.<br/>
I hear sobbing then I turn around and hold him tight;<br/>
"Hey, it's okay..."<br/>
I know what is happening. I thought so.<br/>
"No it's not all right...I'm a monster, can't you see?"<br/>
"What am I supposed to see?"<br/>
"I am not normal. I will never be normal."</p><p>I don't turn the light on because I don't want he becomes even more rigid.<br/>
I am certain that this is a rather light episode, but that doesn't mean that it needs less attention.<br/>
"Would you like me to tell you what I see in front of me?"<br/>
"No...I'm too afraid, Robbe."<br/>
"Of what?"<br/>
"That you may leave me because my head is not working.<br/>
I've been thinking about this for two nights now. At night my thoughts are so heavy...I can't...I can't sleep... I am afraid that if I close my eyes you will disappear... “<br/>
"Sander, it's impossible... do you want to know why I won't disappear? Because I don't see anything monstrous in you, I don't find anything in you that makes me at all think that you are not normal, because Sander, in these days when the World has changed direction I have found my soul mate.<br/>
I found my sun, my moon, the universe in which I want to live... I found you... I love you Sander. I will not disappear because I love you."<br/>
Sander begins to cry noisily...I ask him if I can turn on a light and he consents.<br/>
"Look at me. I am here. I will always be here for you. I promise you that. We will always find a way to win these battles. Together . Ok?"<br/>
"Robbe... hold me. Hold me tight."<br/>
"I've been waiting for this."</p><p>Noor enters the room opening the door gently: she sees the scene and gives me a sign that we would talk the next day.<br/>
After a little less than an hour, Sander's breathing becomes regular...I know that the battle is not over, but at least he is asleep...</p><p>I wake up after very few hours of sleep; he has his eyes closed, but I know that he is not sleeping.<br/>
"Good morning" I say to him with a light kiss on the lips,<br/>
"Have you seen? I have not disappeared..."<br/>
He makes a half smile that I know well how much it costs.<br/>
"Sander... where are the medicines?"<br/>
He raises his hand and makes a sign toward the backpack: I go to look for them, find them, study them and prepare them...<br/>
"Are you ready to take them?"<br/>
"No"<br/>
I caress him. I try to find an opening:<br/>
I put a pill on my lips and first I tell him:<br/>
"If you can open your eyes, I found an interesting way to take them."<br/>
Sander half-closes his eyes and brings his mouth closer to mine<br/>
"Ok" sighs </p><p>Noor sees the whole scene and with eyes swollen with tears he calls me:<br/>
"If you two want breakfast..."<br/>
"Can I go and eat? Or Can I bring you something and we'll eat together?"<br/>
"Please don't... stay away too long...Robbe?"<br/>
I am standing, leaning against the door leading to the common area and the kitchen<br/>
"Tell me"<br/>
I get closer to the bed<br/>
"Do you still love me?"<br/>
"With all my heart"</p><p> </p><p>I find everyone in the kitchen with a worried face: I try to explain what happened, why and how it will come out.<br/>
"I'm not worried, I know what<br/>
I have to do, my mother is almost like this, you don't have to worry; it will take at least  till today for him to return calmly...I hope<br/>
Be patient and I apologize if we will not be able to participate in the course today... because I am not leaving him alone, that's clear".</p><p>"Robbe for the course we have organized: I have already talked to the teacher and we will do everything here from home: you will not leave Sander but we will not leave you two alone, ok?”<br/>
"Thanks professor"</p><p>Noor prepares a tray of things for me to bring to my room and stares at me<br/>
"Yes, Noor forgive me if I didn't say it before, but..."</p><p>"You are together, are you a real couple? I my god, You are adorable even in this bad moment"<br/>
I watch the others; they all have a big question mark over their heads.<br/>
"Don't worry: it's not that Noor is insensitive, it's that she also knows these things well; she has often helped me to manage my mother...anyway thank you all very much...I'm going back there now..."</p><p> </p><p>Sander sleeps. The medicines start to do their job. I try to rest too, intoxicated by the scent of chocolate brioche.</p><p>When I open my eyes I hear the sound of water, I get up and run to check: Sander is simply taking a shower.<br/>
He smiles at me and when he comes out all wet he hugs me tightly<br/>
"I know Sander, I know“<br/>
I help him to get dressed<br/>
"What do you feel like doing?"<br/>
"Nothing"</p><p>Then something comes to my mind<br/>
"Do you feel like drawing? “<br/>
"Maybe”<br/>
He takes paper and pencil and within half an hour he  draws a hand with a wedding ring on his fourth finger.</p><p>"One day it will happen true?"<br/>
"Someday it will happen, and we'll be the happiest couple ever... But now we need to take small steps. Together. Like eating. Because Sander if you don’t eat we ca’t be married one day..Ok?"<br/>
"Ok"<br/>
First step done. O god only you know how much I love him. Please let him be healthy and strong. Please.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. All the way I love you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A chapter full of speeches the next one will be more sparkling!!!<br/>There are some explanations given so<br/>Very superficial: with this I don't want to belittle those who suffer from mental disorders... I am part of it in a small part too: my intention here is to show how differences should never be an obstacle but a resource...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"How do you feel?"<br/>Sander was playing with my curls while I was trying to put the notes taken the days before in order.<br/>"I am hungry"<br/>"Well ... what ..."<br/>"No, I'll go Robbe, I can manage."<br/>There are many occasions when talking is superfluous and this was one of them: I kiss him and we are for a few moments eyes in the eyes<br/>Sander returns with pasta and vegetables: we eat greedily on the floor then we tidy up the room, open the windows and finally everything seems to be back to normal.</p>
<p>"I saw the others over there, they were kind... they didn't treat me... like a..."<br/>"Sander that's enough, you're nothing terrible, you don't hurt anyone, only yourself if you do that...that's enough..."<br/>I approach him and embrace him and speak directly into his ear <br/>"I wish I could do more for you, take this burden off you: I would like to see you smile every single moment of your life, I would like to have the power to take all the evil away from you and throw it away, but I can't because life is like that and it will happen to me too and I am sure that you will stay close to me exactly as I did. <br/>You are not alone Sander Driesen, you are not anymore and you won't be anymore".</p>
<p>In response, Sander pulls off my shirt, unbuttoned my pants, undresses me in a few moves: <br/>When he throws me on the bed he lets me watch while he undresses too. <br/>He picks up the phone and sends a vowel to Noor.</p>
<p>“Noor can you give me half an hour? Thank you.”<br/>"What do you have to do with Noor?"<br/>Sander starts from the neck and caresses me with his lips and tongue to the pelvis: <br/>"Do you really want to know, Ijzermans?"<br/>"I'd rather make sure I know and go along with your plans."<br/>Sander turns on the music<br/>"No one needs to hear how sexy you are when you say my name on these occasions.<br/>And then his beautiful face disappears from my field of vision . </p>
<p>Noor and Sander have been out for an hour and I'm working on my project and Noor's project in between.<br/>to others: the interesting thing about living<br/>such intense moments with intelligent people is that when the hurricane is over they are ready to pick up the pieces with you, even though I knew they needed to understand.</p>
<p>"Robbe, what can we do for Sander? We are afraid of taking a few false steps..."<br/>"Nothing....be spontaneous, be sincere with him... Whoever suffers from this kind of illness that they can’t control, needs to simply feel normal. I understand that this is not a natural, normal situation, but try to concentrate that this characteristic of Sander is part of him: sometimes he needs only silent presences, sometimes he needs cheerful people... it happens to everyone, doesn't it? It only happens to him more intensely"</p>
<p>"Robbe how do you do it?"<br/>"How do you do what?"<br/>"Your mother, Sander..."<br/>"Because you are only seeing it as a disease and living it as if it were something completely negative: but try to think: did Sander have something strange before the crisis? No, on the contrary, people who are so sensitive, people who have these episodes, always have a charm out of the ordinary... it's a special characteristic of their brain. That's how I see it. And this is how I live it. And it doesn't scare me."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Robbe, can I ask you something else and excuse me from now on if I am indiscreet..."<br/>"Today I'm an open book... Tell me..."<br/>"What does it feel like to love a man?"<br/>I turn red because I don't think about an ordinary man, I think about mine and how much I miss his presence.<br/>"Well... if you mean physically it is simply a different physiology. We love to touch and be touched, to hug and be hugged... we all have sensitive areas... and people who have a unpopular sexuality, don't like all the people indiscriminately: we fall in love and we want to be loved only by that<br/>person.<br/>I have never loved a woman but I believe<br/>That there is no difference. <br/>None really." <br/>At that point the professor gets up, pats me on the shoulder and greets us saying that he was going to be busy that night.</p>
<p>Sander and Noor arrive after a few minutes: Sander approaches, kisses me and stays with his arms around my neck for the rest of the afternoon that was actually ending.<br/>"What are we doing tonight?"</p>
<p>Are we going to the skate park? We haven't had a night session for a long time... <br/>"I've given up boys for today, my body has yet to recover 100%... do you mind if we repeat tomorrow night?"<br/>"Only if it's worth it.... we'll test it and let you know..."<br/>"Do you want to go with them Robbe?"<br/>"No... even my body needs hours and hours of rest."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"How was your afternoon?"<br/>"Well ..."<br/>"Aaaaah. Be vague. Good..."<br/>Sander approaches; <br/>"Ijzermans, you're not jealous, are you? I have to remind you what happened before I went out with Noor????".<br/>I'm going crazy with this guy and I'm happier than ever.</p>
<p>"Would you be brave enough to try a second session of that intensity on the same day?"<br/>"Then you're instigating me..."<br/>"Let's not forget Driesen that you made me suffer through hell until a few days ago... I have some arrows in my bow..."</p>
<p>Sander gets serious for a moment;<br/>"But how do you do it?"<br/>He moves and goes towards the window<br/>"I don't follow you..."<br/>"I treated you badly, I made you feel like an idiot...after a few hours of being together I had an episode...and you didn't even say a word, not a sign of tiredness...how do you do it?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I approach with decisive step.<br/>I take his hands and look at him: my beautiful work of art.<br/>There is one thing that does not push me towards him, not one.<br/>I accompany him towards a chair and invite him to sit down and I sit astride him: <br/>Now my gaze stops on all the smallest features of his face: I smile while I look at him, while with my fingers I play with the hair on the back of his neck.</p>
<p>"Why don't you speak?" he asks me </p>
<p>I move my hands over his face as if I wanted to support him:<br/>"I love you. I really do. Every single inch, every imperfection, every scar.<br/>I love you. Every inflection of your voice, every sound of your laughter and every tear.<br/>I love you. When you are sweet and when you are an asshole and when you play with my desires; <br/>But what I love the most is what I have not yet learned about you and who lives here -and I put my hand on his heart - and here. and I put the other one on his head."</p>
<p>"Oh, Robbe..."<br/>It had been a day full of words, of explanations, of desire for confirmation...now it was our time dedicated to us and to our caresses.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. You are my star</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Sander are you finished in the bathroom? I have a couple of things to pack in my suitcase".<br/>
Sander comes out naked as<br/>
usual and I as usual stop breathing until he decides to get dressed.</p><p>"Robin but we're not leaving tomorrow do you remember?"<br/>
"Yes, but some things I won't use anymore so I'd like to take them off."<br/>
"And then I'm the one who has mental problems..."<br/>
He laughs. How good it is to see him laugh.<br/>
"Hey Mr. Driesen! I'm just ordered up here..."<br/>
"Ok ok ok if you say so..."<br/>
I'll go to the bathroom and get some toothpaste and rub it on his nose and lips.<br/>
"Now shut up or I'll leave you like this..."<br/>
"Lick me Robbe. I'm not waiting for anything else..."<br/>
He is his sensual way of getting me excited.</p><p>Although the desire to live forever in that room was very strong, we join the others to go to the last lesson of the course and leave our work to posterity. </p><p>First though, we go to rent skates because at the end of the day we go, like a group of kids, to the skate park.<br/>
"Then the course is really over"<br/>
"It was a good course, wasn't it?"<br/>
"Yeah... and we've become a good group."<br/>
"A small family"<br/>
The professor interrupts our thoughts aloud<br/>
"Guys, Thanks. It has been two intense weeks. The course among the most beautiful in recent years, and you, this group, was special.<br/>
You have faced intense challenges, stripped yourselves of deep-seated prejudices and learned a lot from each other. You have created something special that I hope will last over time.<br/>
Tomorrow we will know the results of your work, but I know for sure that regardless of the result, you have won.<br/>
Enjoy the evening, see you tomorrow and make sure you don't throw away what I just said by breaking your necks at the skate park, do we agree?"<br/>
We had won. Thank you Professor.</p><p>We were very close from really risking our necks and we did it for hours but we also laughed a lot, and continued to do so at the park, watching the myriads of stars that covered the sky on a clear night talking about everything and nothing.<br/>
Noor approaches:<br/>
"Still in love with the starry sky?"<br/>
"Always. It is something magical...but where have you been?"<br/>
Noor winks at me<br/>
"I have a private life too, you know?"<br/>
If you think that I drink this sentence you have forgotten who you are talking to, but the evening is wonderful and the warm hand that is holding mine is more important than anything else...<br/>
"We'll talk about it when the sun comes up, okay?"<br/>
"If you have time to do that my dear..."</p><p>I don't understand what he means, but the sky is spectacular and we all stay with our noses up a little longer; then Sander gets up and helps me to do the same:<br/>
"Come with me..."<br/>
"Where?"<br/>
"Come with me..."<br/>
We say goodbye to the others and head for a bus.<br/>
"Sander..."<br/>
He puts his hand on my shoulder and says to my ear<br/>
"Do you trust me?"</p><p>I would climb a mountain of lava if you told me you wouldn't do anything to me: I don't have the slightest idea how he did it but Sander has managed to make me happy and proud of who I am and I have to trust the man who have given me so much in such a short time.<br/>
"We are leaving the city..."<br/>
"We are leaving the inhabited part..."<br/>
We are practically alone on the bus and Sander doesn't miss a chance to tease my senses... already made sensitive by his presence alone.</p><p>"We are almost there"</p><p>I can't tell him that I don't care where we are going if he keeps kissing me like that...<br/>
When we get off the bus, I am speechless: in front of me is the most beautiful and largest astronomical observatory I have ever seen...<br/>
Sander takes me by the hand: we enter even though it seems to be closed, we pass the deserted ticket office and we walk towards the planetarium: in front of the door a man leaves the keys in Sander's hand:<br/>
"See you guys in the morning, say hello to the professor..."</p><p>"Sander...."<br/>
"Wait, it's my turn to say two words now: you are... wait, I'll start again:<br/>
Thank you. You have made my life a dream in a few days.<br/>
I didn't know you had the power to improve people's lives, but obviously you do and I... I am so in love with you that I can't breathe.<br/>
I was before I met you, I am even more in love now that I am learning to understand who you are.<br/>
You are my very personal ray of sunshine...you are teaching me to love, to wait, to share, to accept...to love myself...you know, now I am able to like myself a little more thanks to you.<br/>
I have been an asshole this past year: I should have had the courage to tell you right away what I was feeling, but perhaps I would not have felt the wonder of embracing you in secret, of revealing to you with sincerity my fragilities without fear.<br/>
I am so sorry that I treated you as you never deserved... I am ashamed of my behavior: now I know that you are everything I never would have hoped to find.<br/>
You are the Commander of my ship which is often in a storm...I love you, Robbe Ijzermans, and this is only a small surprise to show you how great I feel for you.</p><p>I had no words: that's what he and Noor had confabulated that day.<br/>
Only she knew my infinite passion for the starry sky.<br/>
But now I was not interested to know how he had managed to organize all this: I wanted him and us and him until the next morning. </p><p>"If this planetarium could speak..."<br/>
"...he would say that two people have merged into one..."<br/>
"He would say that they couldn't get enough..."<br/>
"He would say that the time has come to start again"<br/>
"Sander?"<br/>
"Mmm"<br/>
"Of all the stars that all universes can have I would always choose you, the brightest star of all"<br/>
He caresses my face:<br/>
"I'm a lucky man"<br/>
"Why?"<br/>
"Because among all the stars that all universes can have, I know for sure that you and I would have met anyway and we would have created the most beautiful constellation of all".</p><p>"Make love to me, again"<br/>
"Whenever you want"<br/>
"You and I"<br/>
"We... are one."</p><p>I was happily exhausted.<br/>
We were happily exhausted. We ate naked and happy, regardless of the need to take a shower, wearing only the smell of each other:<br/>
we talked, slept... then we set up the planetarium and went to the terrace to watch the sunrise.<br/>
And at that moment, when another day was ready to begin, Sander put a small box in my hands:<br/>
Inside a silver ring identical to the one he always wears on the thumb of his left hand.<br/>
I wear it and it is perfect<br/>
"It's not time to make big plans yet, but knowing that we have an identical ring makes me feel that we will be on the same wavelength from now on...".</p><p>"I do"<br/>
I tell him like a groom on the altar.<br/>
His astonished face is priceless; I feel like laughing but I am holding back because I am about to tell him something very serious:<br/>
"I want to organize my future with you, day after day. I want to stay on our constellation with you and with you walk on the same wavelength".</p><p>“Ehmmm... Sander?"<br/>
"Tell me"<br/>
"Thanks for taking care of me tonight, I needed it."<br/>
"From today jizermans, all you have to do is ask... “<br/>
"I already told you but... don't try to get out of my sight".<br/>
He takes me in his arms and we look at our faces full of sleep and happiness.<br/>
"I'm gonna be so damn close to you that it's gonna get annoying."</p><p>I kiss him again and it's like it's happening for the first time:<br/>
"Let's go back inside, we still have some time..."</p><p>Life was never ceasing to surprise me<br/>
And I would never stop thanking it for that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. A bunch of keys</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TROGGER WARNING: homophobic people and homophobic behaviour.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We were on the street still inebriated by the night just passed, careless of the world and happy as never before. It was still early, but school groups would arrive at the observatory, so we went out and walked, between kisses, before arriving at the apartment.</p><p>I stupidly thought that we would have been happy from that moment: instead, the wickedness of people has no limits. <br/>We stopped on a bench, to catch our breath and look at the view: of course we were hugged, of course we kissed... but has that ever hurt anyone?</p><p>"But look at these faggots"<br/>And they throw stones at us. <br/>They were small stones, but the gesture made me angry...especially when one of them, rather sharply pointed, arrived on Sander's ear. </p><p>My eyesight becomes blurred. <br/>"What do you want? If you don't like what you're seeing, then turn away, assholes! Come here and look at the little couples, eh? Do you want me to go off and throw stones at you? If I leave, I'll throw you some big rocks! Have you understood?<br/>My head in these moments stops thinking. <br/>But I felt that I had done well. <br/>Those beings who believe in people are going away, still mumbling homophobic phrases.</p><p>"Robbe...hey...."<br/>My hands are shaking and I am weeping with rage. It's not right. We are not doing anything wrong. </p><p>"Robbe. Give me a hug. Strong. More. Now throw out. No longer needed. They are gone."</p><p>"They will always come back."<br/>"And we will always reject them."<br/>I look at him and then I close my eyes and start to breathe: "Sorry but I just can't keep silent. Will I be able to love you in the sunlight?"<br/>"Robbe you can love me wherever and whenever you want... and if they come again and again and again we will always take back our space to love each other. <br/>I promise you that. Now you promise me one thing: concentrate and go back to last night, start smiling at me again and then we will start our walk again.</p><p>I kiss him and again I get hit by all the feelings of the day before. <br/>"I am ready"<br/>"Me too"</p><p>"Come on, let's run!" <br/>The descent takes us back to the inhabited city where people start moving like busy ants.<br/>I am A few meters ahead of Sander.<br/>"Sander!<br/>He looks at me as I kiss my new ring.<br/>"Come!"<br/>Sander approaches quickly: his long legs take only a few steps to reach me: <br/>"Let's get married..."<br/>"Robbe....we said we weren't in a hurry... “<br/>"Wait, I don't really mean let's get married, but let's find a place in this town and make a promise each."</p><p>"A wedding our way?"<br/>"Yes exactly, one thing we know<br/>only us"</p><p>We went to the park outside the building where we did the course: a beautiful place and for us a place that marked the beginning of everything.<br/>I take his hands:<br/>"Sander, I promise that I will always look at you as I am doing now; that I will always love you as I am doing now and that you will always fall asleep hugging me."</p><p>"Robbe I promise you that from now on there will not be a day when I will not show you how important it is to have found you, I will give you all the attention in the world and the time we will spend together will always be special".</p><p>A kiss. To seal our promises. <br/>"Hey, but Robbe you..."<br/>"Let's go!"</p><p>We arrive at the apartment: they are almost all awake:<br/>"Here are our boys"<br/>"So how did it go?"<br/>"Come on, tell us something"<br/>"We lived the beginning of your story; we deserve some spicy parts."</p><p>I watch Sander winking at me: now we shock them.<br/>"So: it was all magic, and I was happy to know that each one of you put a lot of effort and time into helping Sander to organize everything, especially you Noor... but... you have to ask my husband for the details".</p><p>Noor gets up and puts his hands on his mouth, the others don't know what to say or do, the professor tries to break the tension that has been created: <br/>"Guys... really? A little early but if you are happy like that..."</p><p>We start laughing and when after several minutes we manage to pull ourselves together we explain what happened and what kind of wedding we celebrated.<br/>“O my god Robbe, I almost had a stroke!"<br/>I go close to her, a kiss on the cheek:<br/>"We needed to restore perfection to that day..."</p><p>Sander intervenes, who doesn't want me to get sad again... <br/>"Some idiots saw us on a bench this morning and offended us and threw stones at us because we are two men who love each other."</p><p>Silence.<br/>"Boys... we are so sorry..."<br/>"I've been hearing those words for years, but I never get used to them..."</p><p>Noor intervenes: <br/>"You don't have to get used to it, you don't have to. It is they who have a problem, not you..."<br/>He embraces me. Noor knows how much this makes me suffer. I am fortunate. Because around me, among the people who matter, these evil thoughts do not exist.</p><p>"Noor it’s ok now, I will not let them ruined the memory of last night. Have you organized anything for today?"</p><p>"Come on over and we'll show you what tour we wanted to do."</p><p> </p><p>No matter where you have to say goodbye, the last day is always difficult.<br/>In my case it was even harder because this place had brought me the man of my dreams.</p><p> </p><p>"What are you thinking about?"<br/>"How many things happened in here..."<br/>"Sander... among the many tell me 3 of your favorites..."<br/>Sander turns and hugs me <br/>"The first time I held you in my arms at night even though you didn't know it was me"<br/>Then he kisses my neck:<br/>"The first time I heard you say my name while we were making love"<br/>Then he looks me in the eyes in a very intense way <br/>"Your constant presence on the worst day"</p><p>I smile at him and ask him:<br/>"Do you want to know mine?"</p><p>"Yes"</p><p>"The first is when<br/>I knew we would sleep<br/>Together for 2 weeks"</p><p>"The second time when we showered together: the first time I could touch every inch of your body."</p><p>"The third when you asked me<br/>If I loved you the same in<br/>Your worst day."</p><p>I sit on him:<br/>"If you want I'll explain"<br/>"Tell me about it..."<br/>"When I knew that I was going to share the room with you, I was not nervous about the news, but about what I was feeling:I  was excited...and confused...but in the end I realized that I didn't hate you at all...on the contrary...<br/>Well, there is little to be said about the shower...it was as if it confirmed that what had happened before was not a dream at all, but a beautiful reality..."</p><p>I kiss him because I can't resist a minute longer </p><p>"And the third?" He asks sander intrigued</p><p>"The third moment... I realized that we really loved each other. We both wanted to be together, always. Even in dark moments. Always."</p><p>"Always"<br/>Sander broke the silence that had been created: <br/>"Shall we take the suitcases to the salon?"<br/>Our foreheads touch each other, our lips are sought... <br/>"There's still some time left for<br/>Say hello to this room?"<br/>Sander does not answer me but the cold air I feel on my back tells me that we both had the same thought.</p><p> </p><p>We sleep all the way back, curled up in the bus seats: <br/>It's Noor who wakes us up <br/>"We're here guys..."<br/>Sander accompanies me to the door of the house: <br/>"These two weeks have gone by too fast..."<br/>I say to him while I’m embracing him... <br/>"It will be hard to be without you Ijzermans"<br/>"The same goes for me Driesen."<br/>"Talk to you later?"<br/>"Yes”<br/>One last kiss and then I find myself alone on my feet regretting to said him to stay.<br/>I Enter.<br/>The apartment is empty, it will come back alive and noisy in a couple of days. <br/>I walk around without knowing what to do <br/>I would know what to do but I don't want to be weak. I can manage without him. Yes. I have to make it. </p><p>Time goes by and we have already said good night about ten times.<br/>When I looked at the alarm clock, the time is 00:45 a.m.<br/>I send him a message, if he answers I will call him.<br/>I banally send him a heart<br/>He answers with the same heart<br/>I call him and he answers immediately<br/>"Sander”<br/>"Robbe"<br/>"Sander... would you... No. Come. I beg you. Come to me..."<br/>"I’m on my way”</p><p>After 15 minutes I open the door and Sander is there: he came in his pajamas, bringing the bare essentials for the following morning.<br/>We look like a couple that has not been seen since Months. Instead only 5 hours have passed... </p><p>In the morning with the sun already high in the sky, he and I have breakfast:<br/>"Stay"<br/>I tell him and do not wait for his answer<br/>"Stay with me here in this apartment, stay for a few days and see how it goes."<br/>Sander smiles <br/>"What if it goes wrong?"<br/>"Everyone goes back to their own apartment"<br/>"And if it goes well?"<br/>"We'll do a week at my place, a week at your place."<br/>"Pragmatic"<br/>"In love"<br/>"Robbe?"<br/>"Tell me<br/>"All right. I stay.<br/>But not only because you ask me with that tender face, but<br/>Also because not even my<br/>Heart can stand to stay away from you..."<br/>"I love you Ijzermans"<br/>"I love you too Driesen"</p><p>And then this time I'm the one holding a package in his hand:<br/>Inside were some keys:<br/>"Before  you say something, and answer me, I wanted to tell you that this is the reason why in my promise I told you that you would always slept embraced me...<br/>At the end of this semester I will leave this apartment to move into this one. A family gift let's say. <br/>If you want... when you want... you can come and go as you like because this bunch of keys are yours."<br/>Sander stop smiling and crying:<br/>"I'm not good with words Robbe but... I'm sure I'll use them.I will use them with you. “</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Do you want another chapter? Let me know! <br/>As always, Thank you for support ❤️❤️❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. We are poetry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One of the most beautiful parts of having a healthy relationship, is that you immediately understand that although the desire to be together is strong, neither of us limits the other's freedom: of course., during the day me and Sander see each other, we give a goodbye kiss, we give each other a few kisses, but we're not always close: I have my friends and he has his. We sleep as a couple and we often go out with one of the two groups but we remain two different human beings waiting for the evening to meet again.<br/>
Today, after a long time, I see Britt again: strangely enough she greets me smiling.<br/>
I don’t want to Understand: actually I stopped understanding women a long time ago.<br/>
"Robbe, don't trust her kind behaviour”<br/>
"Whose Noor?"<br/>
"Britt's smile, she's definitely got something going on."</p><p>I shrugs, I'm not interested in Britt but in that blonde guy who comes to meet me on the way home.<br/>
"Good evening"<br/>
"Hello handsome man...”<br/>
"Sure...Noor are you coming with us?"<br/>
"Er....I'm waiting for someone actually..."<br/>
"Uuuuh you have an appointment..."<br/>
"I'm waiting for the details!"<br/>
I kiss her on the head and go hand in hand with Sander.</p><p>"How did it go today?"<br/>
"Well, we are finally ready to finish the semester..."<br/>
"Already"<br/>
"And then" I walk backwards, to keep looking at it.<br/>
"This weekend comes the new bed"<br/>
He embraces my hips and says: I<br/>
"I can't wait to sleep in it with you"</p><p>But then his face gets serious. I get<br/>
I turn and see Britt.<br/>
"Good evening cute couple"<br/>
"Britt. What do you need?"<br/>
I had to stay calm because Sander wasn't calm at all.<br/>
"I want to talk a bit with you can I? "<br/>
"Speak please We are here"<br/>
"I wanted to ask Sander how he was, if he is taking his medication regularly, if he already had any... how to say...a little problem in your presence...because I don't know if you know it, but..."<br/>
I stopped her immediately<br/>
"Britt, do you really want me to believe that you are here to scare me because of the story that Sander has bipolar disorders? Of course I do, I know that.<br/>
Sometimes he would prefer not to take his medication, but even on this we have found interesting ways to not to lose the habit of treating himself... and then if he has had episodes? How little you know me Britt... I did not choose to stay with Sander because he has a beautiful face or for no other reason than that, I am happy with him even when the days are very uphill, Knowing that finally is in  my life is already something wonderful, if we add that we love each other very much... I don't want anything else.<br/>
Not even you, who are trying to frighten me and belittle an important part of your past."<br/>
Britt is speechless and before<br/>
letting her go, Sander takes the floor at first keeps his eyes down, as if ashamed, but then slowly regains control and looks Britt directly in the eyes.<br/>
"Britt... if you really want to know, I've already had an episode with Robbe; and do you know what happened? He loved me. He stayed my side, accepting my words and my silences.<br/>
He knew how to wait for the wave to pass and then he continued to treat me as if I had gotten a simple drunk, without emphasizing every second that I needed someone to help me, but inviting me to manage what I’ve been able to manage.<br/>
This is the abyssal difference between being with him and being with you. “</p><p>"At least I am a woman"<br/>
"Oh Britt how little you know about the intimacy between two people of the same sex... And how little you still know about love... a beautiful body and full lips are not enough to keep someone bound to you..."</p><p>Sander puts his hand on her shoulder:<br/>
"It's been over for a while Britt, let's start going further and being adults..."</p><p>"Sander, shall we go?"<br/>
"Yes, darling, I'm coming, bye Britt, have a nice life."</p><p>In the room we put our backpacks and I run to the kitchen:<br/>
"Where are you going?"<br/>
"Wait for me there please!"<br/>
I come back with two glasses and a bottle of sparkling wine.</p><p>"Should we celebrate something?"<br/>
I look at him and it doesn't seem true to me to be able to say that I finally found my  soulmate<br/>
"I don't think so. I took this one for our first evening in our new apartment but after the meeting with Britt I thought that there is no need to have a reason to celebrate.<br/>
I take his hand and kiss his back: isn't it a nice thing to celebrate your presence in my life? “</p><p>"Come here..."<br/>
Sander draws me to himself and bites my lip<br/>
"Ijzermans... have I ever told you what<br/>
Damn your presence causes to me?"<br/>
I love it when he plays the bully again...<br/>
I extend my hand over the belt of his pants...<br/>
"I can have an idea..."<br/>
"Oh no, you don't. Have a seat. And stay still."<br/>
Sitting down was easy, but seeing Sander do what he did without<br/>
Being able to intervene...<br/>
"Sander, please..."<br/>
"Not yet."<br/>
He was taking me to another dimension, where I honestly had never arrived, not even in my wildest dreams.<br/>
"Robbe"<br/>
"Sander......”<br/>
"What do you want me to do now?"<br/>
"Can I move Driesen? Can I enter the field and play too?"<br/>
"Everything is worth it though... no rules..."<br/>
"Ok"<br/>
And in that moment I got out of my comfort zone. I didn't think, I wasn't afraid: I was pure instinct.<br/>
We were pure instinct.<br/>
"Exactly where was this side of yours hidden?"<br/>
"I don't know, but you certainly found it..."<br/>
"It was incredible"<br/>
"You can say that"</p><p> </p><p>Life with Sander was like this: one discovery after another:<br/>
from the small things to the most intimate moments.... and his wonderful open-mindedness, his being really a human being guided by his emotions, is teaching me to let go. Completely.<br/>
And for the first time I felt free.</p><p>"Sander are you...awake?"<br/>
"A little longer..."<br/>
My eyes are closed. And I want to say what I feel now. Or this moment will no longer be so perfect.<br/>
"Have I ever told you how beautiful it is? “<br/>
" explained better"<br/>
"Being with you. how nice it is to be with you. To feel you. To listen to you. To laugh with you. Facing challenges with you, I don't think I have ever felt as complete and free as I have since we have been together.<br/>
It may sound strange but Britt in her superficiality reminded me of something I wish we'd never forget".<br/>
"Tell me Robbe"<br/>
I embrace him and allow our legs to intertwine:<br/>
"We are much more than what people see. We are not just two boys in love, we are poetry, we are water and fire, we are joy and sadness... it took us a long time to accept ourselves but when it happened we gave and exchanged everything. Don't you think it's something great?"</p><p>Sander has shiny eyes...<br/>
"I hoped for months to be able to keep you as I am doing now... and I hoped if it happened that I would be happy. But I never imagined myself to be so happy, so immensely happy.<br/>
You... you...come here"<br/>
He takes my face in his hands gently and caresses my cheekbones with his fingers;<br/>
"I love you. I love you. I love you"<br/>
Then he hugs me and starts crying.<br/>
"I hope they are tears of happiness Driesen"<br/>
"You bet Ijzermans"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I’m waiting your feedback!<br/>Thank you for your comments ❤️❤️❤️<br/>There will be another chapter for sure🥰<br/>Have a nice Friday night everybody!</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. My family our flat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"The semester is over... "<br/>Noor says to me.<br/>"Yeah"<br/>"How will you celebrate? In group, in couple..."<br/>Noor had a tired face, but who didn't? It had been 10 hellish days, this semester we had sweated it out.<br/>"No party tonight, I'm too tired, and then tomorrow Sander and I have to finish packing everything..."<br/>"Oh God Robbe I forgot!!!! If I get free I'll come and give you a hand"<br/>"If you get free, come and give us a hand and then stay and celebrate with the guys."<br/>"So, double work?"<br/>"Thank goodness no, these last few weeks we spent them in my apartment so we could study better and only have one move... we live with Sander's boxes in the room for the last ten days”<br/>Finally Noor and I could go back to talking about everything and not about exams, school and work. We were expecting a few days of stop and we wanted to enjoy them all.<br/>"So, will you bring someone tomorrow?"<br/>"It's complicated Robbe... but tomorrow we'll sit down and talk about it... maybe tonight the magic will finally happen..."<br/>I bring an arm around his shoulders and we walk home in silence.</p><p>"I am home!"<br/>No answer. Strange, they should all have been here... I go into the kitchen and find a note from the group:<br/>"We went to get some things for the party tomorrow. We don't know if we're going to be back for dinner...last night as lovebirds in our apartment! We love you all...see you later".</p><p>My adoptive family is the best. How much they and Noor have helped me during these years: accepting my sexuality, accepting that I made wrong choices, improving my days with music and hot chocolate cuddles...no one had ever been so supportive and attentive with me. <br/>Really so close to the concept of family that the idea of leaving that house almost made me cry. <br/>I feel a door opening<br/>"Sander?"<br/>"It is me!"<br/>"Come, I am in the kitchen"<br/>I let him read the card and I still get the jiggle.<br/>Sander keeps me close to him<br/>"I understand Robbe. Weeks and months and years have created a special bond ... but you know that our friends will always be welcome in our life, and we will do everything in our power not to lose sight of them..."<br/>"And then I'm going to live with the most beautiful bully in the world," I say, wiping away my tears.<br/>"That's right. You're winning the lottery Ijzermans! Are you tired?"<br/>"Exhausted. Are you?"<br/>"I've been dreaming about the bed since I got out of school"<br/>"It will be a busy day tomorrow ... pajamas, sofa and TV?"<br/>"Sounds perfect, let's go"</p><p>Embracing us and doing nothing is one of my favorite things. Feeling his fingers playing with my curls...while I caress his hand with my thumb...<br/>"I love these evenings"<br/>Sander turns around and caresses my nose with his <br/>"Yes....think that from tomorrow evening it will often be like this..."<br/>"A dream come true... Sander, shall we go to sleep? I can no longer keep my eyes open..."<br/>My eyes are two fissures; Sander takes me by the hand and together, as always, embraced like the first night, we fall asleep.</p><p>"But how much dust we have accumulated???? Good heavens I can't breathe"<br/>"Robbe my delicate little friend.... keep it”<br/>Noor comes to save us by bringing us two bandanas to avoid suffocation <br/>"Thanks Noor, you're saving our lives."<br/>Sander continues to box, while I stop for a minute to talk:<br/>"Noor then... shall we sit down and have a coffee? Are you coming, Sander?"<br/>The three of us meet at the kitchen table to drink a coffee that has nothing else but the pretext of talking about something<br/>"Noor... you're not the usual...are you tired?"<br/>Noor start breathing. <br/>"I must start from the beginning. While you were falling madly in love with each other, I was spending time with someone, talking about this and that: at the beginning it was just a nice way to pass the time; but then I began to feel very involved. <br/>I didn't tell him about it right away. <br/>I didn't want to ruin the moments I spent with him.<br/>But then before going home, I took courage and told him: <br/>He didn't answer: he smiled and waved at me.  I thought he needed time to understand: then he contacted me to see us but things didn't go as I would have hoped: now I'll tell you who he is.<br/>It's Dylan. And yesterday he told me that he couldn't offer me more than a little bit of time to talk. And he apologized if he had deceived me".<br/>She can no longer speak.<br/>My fragile little Noor. <br/>She starts crying. She sobbs loud.<br/>Me and Sander wrapped her up with <br/>our arms hoping to lift her mood with our affection.<br/>We stay like this until she reassures us: "I'm fine, a couple of boxes to move and you'll see that I'll get over it".<br/>Sander is not convinced m, I can see it from his expression <br/>"Noor: can I ask you one last thing?"<br/>"Please tell me"<br/>"Why did he tell you that you couldn't be together?"<br/>"He wasn't very clear... to me we seemed so compatible but who knows what I imagined..."<br/>I know the smile of Sander by now:</p><p>"Noor you have helped us so much, let me help you in this unclear matter..."<br/>He picks up the phone and calls him:<br/>"Dylan hello! Are you free tonight? We're going to have a little party without pretensions to say goodbye to the old apartment, since tomorrow Robbe and I are moving in: would you like to come? Yes? Ok I'll send you hour and address".</p><p>"What is your plan?"<br/>Noor could not understand.<br/>"Wait and see"</p><p> </p><p>The last box was also sent to the new destination. The room was empty, just some things we would have brought with us with our backpacks.<br/>The guys arrive and we start preparing snacks and drinks while the music accompanies us to an unforgettable evening. <br/>Sander and I dance all the time  and we have never been so energetic: then Sander intercepts Dylan, leaves me in Noor's arms and approaches him.</p><p>"Dylan! “<br/>"Sander hello how are you?"<br/>"Very Well, did you find the others of the group?"<br/>"Yes, they are wasting time trying to understand the rules of a box game..."<br/>"What do you want to do?"<br/>Sander looks at him and then looks at Noor.<br/>"Sander what do you mean?"<br/>Sander looks at Noor again, dancing and laughing with Robbe... <br/>"Why did you refuse her?"<br/>Silence<br/>Sander is waiting. <br/>He seems to have to wait a long time: Dylan looks at Noor with a veil of sadness.<br/>"Why? look at her Sander. Do you think I can be enough for a creature like her?"<br/>Sander sips his cocktail as if he wanted to choose the right words...<br/>"Are you saying you don't believe she chose you?"<br/>Dylan looks elsewhere<br/>"I'm just terrified. Of course I believe Noor. I have so much esteem for her...she is perfect."<br/>"I'll tell you one thing Dylan: out of fear I risked not even having the chance to say hello to Robbe...don't let fear stop you from living. Jump. Noor is waiting for nothing else but you. If you jump, she will open her arms to welcome you. And if you really can't..."</p><p>Sander finishes in two sips the contents of his glass, takes Dylan by the shoulders and approaches Robbe and Noor<br/>"Can I get my man back? I brought you an excellent substitute"<br/>Sander takes my hands and takes me away, far away from those two: we watch them from a corner of the room dancing first shyly and then melt slowly until the fateful kiss that like magic puts everything back in the right order.</p><p>"Thanks Sander, Noor deserves to be happy...look at them, now who's going to take them off?"<br/>"She was the one who helped me with you... I couldn't help but intervene..."</p><p>Then he puts himself behind me, rests his chin on my shoulder:<br/>"Robbe, will you grant me another dance?"<br/>Could someone on earth say no to such wonderful eyes?<br/>"As many as you want"</p><p>The party was over. Noor had gone home with her boyfriend, happy as ever. Everyone greeted us with kisses and hugs and laughter and tears.<br/>After helping the flat group clean up everything, the time had come: I had to say goodbye to Zoe and Milan. <br/>"I...gosh... thank you. In these years it was like living in a family. You are my family. The best that could happen to me. I love you"</p><p>We leave the apartment after greetings that may have lasted too long. But as soon as I get oxygen, the fresh air brings me back to reality and my new life. With him.<br/>"Sander, let's go. Our home is waiting for us."<br/>I see his smile lying down and I feel<br/>my heart accelerates... I am certain of the choice I made. I am as ready and happy as anyone ever has been. </p><p> </p><p>When we enter and turn on the light we find our things in boxes and a scent of new stuff pervades the air. Let's turn<br/>around our new shelter hand in hand, looking again and again at everything we have chosen together.<br/>And then... <br/>I push Sander against the wall. I don't say anything and with my lips but without touching him, I brush the profile of his face and neck. <br/>I hold his hands still and speak to him mouth to mouth:<br/>"What do you think of this apartment?"<br/>Sander swallows sonorously, <br/>"I couldn't have made a better choice... but now..."<br/>"No, not yet. I must show you some characteristics that will be decisive for your choice.”<br/>I will detach myself from his face and free his hands.<br/>"You see" I tell him while unbuttoning his pants "this is an old apartment from the thirties renovated ten years ago. We thought of refreshing the walls using neutral colors and playing with the colors of the fabrics".<br/>Sander raises his feet to facilitate the exit of pants and boxers and raises his arms when it's time for a sweatshirt and t-shirt.<br/>"We are deciding if we should hang something on the walls before selling it, but we are more in the opinion of leaving the freedom to the next owner to choose".<br/>I don't know how I could stay serious while I was talking to him naked as a worm.<br/>I didn't even know how I was not throwing myself directly at the green-eyed perfection that was staring at me in that magnetic way.<br/>I was caressing him in every possible spot while I was telling him a totally made-up story about the apartment.<br/>"And that's all. Are you listening to me?"<br/>"I'm trying... not... can't understand how much..."<br/>At this point I kiss him with passion and desire, sticking my chest to his, my belly to his, enchanted by a unique and powerful love.<br/>"I want this apartment to begin immediately to take our scent."</p><p>"And did you have to make me die from the desire to have you?"<br/>"Wasn't it fun?"<br/>"Yes, it was... sweet erotic suffering....Want to see what I mean by funny?"<br/>"Show me how to go to seventh heaven."<br/>"Being with you makes me over the moon."<br/>"You are my sky"<br/>And then for the rest of a short night and with the moon as a unique lamp, he and I made “our” our home. In every corner.</p>
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